Why 2015 Was My Hardest Year

2015.

What a year.

This morning I woke up swimming in my own thoughts about this past year. It was a wild ride for me. More wild than the past 6 years have been combined. And I've had some pretty crazy, tough times.

But nothing could have prepared me for 2015 and the emotional roller coaster I was about to embark on.

I thought getting married was a huge change, and I thought having kids was an even bigger change. I thought moving across the country to live in a state with my new husband was hard. It was bold, for sure. But it wasn't that hard. It wasn't easy, but it really was a breeze compared to last year.

I also thought moving from the place that I had had my two boys, was thriving in a church that both my husband and I adored, where my best friend lives, where so many amazing memories were made--I thought that was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Turns out, that paled in comparison to 2015.

2015 turned me upside down and inside out and backward and forward and really, every which way. And now that it's over, I am left with the questions, "Did I handle it with grace and dignity? Did I embrace it with exuberance and ardor? Was I an example of Christ despite the overwhelming emotions that plagued me day after day?"

Sadly, I don't feel as though I passed that test. Most of the year I found myself dealing with anxiety, anger, confusion, and blurriness. I lashed out at my husband and my kids because I was dealing with feelings that I have not had to face in a very long time. And I had questions racing through my brain that I couldn't answer.

You see, at the beginning of the year, my husband took a job. This new job moved us to a different state. A state that I was very familiar with. The state that I vowed to never move my kids to. And let me tell you something. I didn't just make up this vow when I had kids...I vowed to myself LONG before I had a family of my own that I would NEVER move my children to the place that I grew up. But, that's exactly what happened.

2015 was my hardest year because I had to make a choice. I had to choose to move with my husband (yes, I struggled hard with this..judge me if you want) or stay where I have called home for the past 10 years.

I chose to move.

Honestly, the move was pretty easy. And I arrived in the town I grew up in with hopeful expectation that it was going to be a great year. I mean, how could it not be? I got to finally be with my older sister who was my best friend growing up! For that, I am so thankful that I made the decision to move, but that is also why it's been the most emotional year I've ever had. I haven't lived near my sister in 10+ years. I didn't know what to expect, but things sure did change. We both had kids now. We weren't teenagers anymore. We've both been through things the other didn't even know about. We both have missed so much of each other's lives it hurts just thinking about it. When we were little, we would tell each other everything. We had a bond between us that was so thick nobody could break it. And when I first arrived, I thought that bond was weak. And maybe it was a little. But a year has proved that really, that hasn't changed. It didn't take us long to pick up where we left off. It was obviously in a different, more adult way now. But she is still the same older sister I grew up with.

It wasn't just the emotional roller coaster of living near my sister again though that caused 2015 to be crazy. I found myself facing demons that I had left behind over 10 years ago and quite frankly, did not think I would ever have to face again. And they would pop up at random times and catch me off guard and kick me in the gut that sometimes I would feel breathless. The first time I drove by the place that I literally had to shove a guy off of me in order to not be raped, I almost had to pull over. When I got home, I cried and I let myself feel everything. The anger, the shame, the guilt...everything.

One day, I drove down the street I grew up on. I drove past the house that literally shaped my childhood. The same house that my dad passed away in. I choked up as memories were brought to the front of my mind. Only this time, I didn't push them away. I felt them hard. Resentment. I think that's a good word for what I felt the most in regards to my dad. I resented him for not giving me closure before he died. I resented him for the things he said and did when I was a teenager. I resented him for so many things, too many things. I realized I was still holding on to those feelings and then, I was angry with myself because I thought I had moved past that. Apparently not.

These are only a couple examples of the gut-wrenching emotions that overcame me. There were countless number of times that I would fill up with tear-jerking memories. They are around every corner of this town. And a lot of the time, I silently dealt with these things. I realize now that maybe I didn't have to. Maybe if I hadn't felt the need to deal with everything myself, this year would have gone differently for me. Truth is, I was too prideful to confide in my husband. I didn't want to burden anyone, especially him, who has been trying to secure our family's future by taking job after job, and moving our family here and there. I didn't want him to feel guilty for moving us here (although I treated him that way at times).

I know that moving here was the best thing. Being with my husband was the right thing, not just for the kids, but for us. However, more than anything, it was the best thing for me. By allowing myself to feel everything, I have allowed healing to begin. After years and years of shoving everything deeper and deeper, I am finally feeling free. Free of guilt, shame, regret, remorse...

Is 2016 going to be easier? I get the feeling it isn't. I mean, for starters, we're moving back which means I have to once again say good bye to my sister and my grandma and my nephews that I have come to know in such a meaningful way. I will be starting this year on another emotional roller coaster. A sad one. But also a happy one. And I get to take these new memories with me and hopefully allow the good ones to keep me moving forward.

And maybe this year, instead of storing my feelings and thoughts to myself, I will rely on God, my husband, my family, and those close to me to help me through. And maybe I will pass 2016 with flying colors.

Happy New Year, everyone.