Homesick for my parents

My heart is homesick. Years ago, when I was 19, I left my home state California to pursue a new adventurous life with my family. We moved to Washington. I was so happy to be leaving the desert, the boring-ness, the going-nowhere-place I was in at the end of my teen years. But I was so sad to leave my friends, my ocean, and most importantly, my older sister and Grandma. It was a bittersweet time. Now, I realize I didn't have much time to process every single emotion that I was feeling because everything happened so fast. When my parents made the decision to sell our house and move out of the state, I was on a four month mission trip in Peru. And when I came home at the end of that glorious trip, two months later we were packed up and leaving. I remember the day we left. I remember being so, so excited and yet, extremely sad and a little bit fearful. People from where I'm from don't just leave. They just don't. They are born, they live, and they die in the valley. Yep. That's how it is. And yet, I somehow knew that I would never die here. I have always thought there was something more out there. There had to be more than living in a desert where there's absolutely nothing to do, where everyday you wake up and when you open the windows, the smell of cow poop permeates through the entire house, and where gangs run rampant, and where you have to hide like Anne Frank if you homeschool and someone comes to the door because you can't trust anyone. Seriously. This was my reality growing up. And now, only now that I am back here, living for but a short time here in the same place I vowed to never come back to, do I understand why my dad was so protective of us. He knew. He understood that this wasn't a good place and you can't trust strangers here. And he died here. Too young, but I wonder if he hadn't died when he did, would he have left this place? I guess it doesn't matter now that he's in a much nicer place. Well, now, after 11 years, I am back. And maybe I am back for a reason. Maybe God needed me to be here to come face to face with those feelings that I wasn't able to comprehend then. Whatever the purpose, I am not dealing with it very well. And I hate to admit that, but it's the truth. I am not handling this situation with the grace that I could be handling it with. It's hard! It's so difficult to wake up and think, yay! Another day here! Yay! Another day of draught... another day of so-hot-you-don't-want-to-do-anything!!! A few things I've learned in the past couple of years doing tons and tons of personal development, is that I have the power to choose what my attitude will be. I may not be able to control the situation that arises, but I can control my reaction to the situation. In this part, I have failed. I have failed to face this with a positive attitude, with grace and love. I have failed to look at the glass as half full. Part of this, is like I said, I am homesick. And, it's not so much that I'm homesick for Washington, because I love Washington, but I love Oregon more... but, I'm homesick for my family. I'm homesick for my mom. I am 30 years old (gosh, I hate writing that!), and I still am missing her like I am a kid at summer camp. Yep. Call me crazy. But if anyone who is reading this knows her, well... you get it. She is the person that is so wise, so giving, so go-out-of-her-way for you. When we are together, we will sit for hours and talk about life. I'll lay on her bed and watch her fold laundry while flipping through a home decorating magazine. She is just that person. If anyone here on earth was born to be a mother, it is mine. She literally encompasses everything a mother should be and she has risen to the title and the occasions. I guess that's why we all of my siblings and I have such a deep, deep respect for her. But, it's not just her that I'm homesick for. I also am missing my stepdad. Like a lot. Like so much, I can't stand it sometimes. Being back here in my hometown has brought up so many memories and emotions of my biological dad who passed away when I was 14. And Fain, well, he brought life back into our family. Our family that was so broken, so void of knowing the love of an earthly father. He is wise beyond years, he brings balance to our craziness because he is such a calm, soft-spoken man. And yet, he accepted us. He protects us, he loves us unconditionally. And that's why my heart is homesick. Because of those two people right there. My mom and dad. Because when my heart is unsettled, yes, I turn to God, but here on earth, I turn to them. I let Fain wrap me in one of his tight hugs and I lay on my mom's bed and talk to her about everything I need to get off my chest. For that, I am homesick. I can't change the fact that I am here again. I can't change that my kids are missing a year of relationship with their grandparents. I can't help some of the feelings that are arising about my dad, about leaving this place, about coming back to this place... all I can change is my reaction to all that. And I can certainly trust God that I am here for a bigger reason than I can see right now. Because all I can see is that I am so homesick, so unsettled, so wanting to move away again. To be near them, to be near safety. But for now, I will hold my chin up and continue on. Fall is coming, a new season. And I know that with Him, everything is possible. Even surviving in a desert that is so flat and ugly and smells like cow poop. :)