Is My Highlight Reel, Real?

What's on your mind?

"Enjoying my hot cup of coffee while snuggled on the couch watching the rain fall melodically. It's so nice and relaxing. I just love mornings when I have quiet time with my Bible, Jesus, and my coffee!" (insert smiley face, heart, cross, umbrella and coffee mug emoticon.)

Reading this, one would think my morning is quiet, quaint, and perfect. It's definitely a "highlight reel." I could just take a snapshot of my coffee mug, my feet propped up on the coffee table and the raindrops on the window. Maybe light a couple candles, make sure my Bible is in the picture...because, you know, I'm a Christian. I read it every morning.

But here's the thing. If I had been totally, 100% real, this is what I would have written instead:

I am sitting here drinking my freshly brewed cup of coffee, between moments of being interrupted because my three year old can't seem to do anything without my help or me being near him. As I am gazing out the window at the rain, I am thinking about how peaceful being in a rain forest would be right about now, because I have just dealt with two major temper tantrums and it's not even eight o clock in the morning! So far I have dealt with a melt down (someone wanted cookies for breakfast), a fight over who sings louder, and tears from hands being sticky. I have dished out medicine because two out of three kids are not feeling well, and I have panicked, thinking that I forgot to put the trash on the curb. I went to bed last night thinking about how my life should be in a much better place by now (I'm 30 for crying out loud!!), because only deep thoughts happen at night when I get a moment of quiet to think about life's major problems. I fell asleep, only to wake up to enjoying my cup of coffee in between real life. The thought to spike my coffee, actually occurred, and this morning, I have yet to dive into my Bible reading. In fact, I probably won't get around to it this morning. (Gasp!) I did pray; I prayed that my kids would behave today and that I would make it through this day. I prayed for my husband's safety. As a pilot's wife, I worry a lot for him, but I've learned that praying is a lot easier and nicer than losing my mind over it. Lately, prayer has become my source of sanity...and my coffee is cold now.

Phew! Can anyone relate??

I mean, that isn't what we want people to see or hear, but why? Why has real life become so taboo to portray on social media? I get not wanting to see someone always complaining and always being negative about their life; it's not something I want to see everyday, but what about the hardships, the struggles, the low times we sometimes have? What about the tantrums, the meltdowns, the spilled milk, the sticky hands, the disappointments, the hard stuff?? It's become too easy to mask and cover what really happens with the right adjectives. A few warm, cozy words. Just the right lighting at just the right angle to get just the right picture.

It's really funny, I used to get SO mad at my husband for pulling out the video camera when the kids were being rotten and throwing a tantrum or fighting over something. I would think, "I am not going to want to look back at this!! What is the point? Is he trying to embarrass them?" Then one day, I watched something he had recorded when the boys were just little things and were having a little fight. There was crying, pushing (as hard as babies can push each other), and then there was my husband standing there watching it happen for just a couple minutes, capturing their sinful nature; their struggle with one another and wanting to be first. And I realized that I actually like watching everything he records now, because it's us. It's real. Regardless of what it is, whether or not I want other people to see it, or whatever, it's our reality. Struggling to raise children together, and taking on everything that goes with that. Realizing that our children have so far to go, that we have so far to go as parents. And that I have so far to go as a wife and a mother. But, it's also the reminder of how far they have come, and how far we have come. Because in the midst of the not-so-perfect reel, every once in awhile, there is a great highlight reel that we capture. When the kids are dancing together, playing quietly together, reading books together, or when I do have a morning free of interruptions. Those are the times that stand out because they don't always happen.

But why mask everything?? Why mask the real stuff? Here's a thought: instead of posting your "highlight" reel, post your real highlights. Including everything--the nitty-gritty, hard-to-swallow, everyday stuff that comes with life. That doesn't mean you have to post it all the time all over social media (I would encourage you not to!). But I know that every once in awhile, seeing other moms do what we do in reality--ie.the daily grind--would be encouraging for me.

So, what's on my mind? Some mornings I am able to sit and quietly enjoy my coffee without interruptions and without it getting cold. But today is just not that day, and I'm not going to pretend that it is. Because some "highlight reels" should just be real.

Why 2015 Was My Hardest Year

2015.

What a year.

This morning I woke up swimming in my own thoughts about this past year. It was a wild ride for me. More wild than the past 6 years have been combined. And I've had some pretty crazy, tough times.

But nothing could have prepared me for 2015 and the emotional roller coaster I was about to embark on.

I thought getting married was a huge change, and I thought having kids was an even bigger change. I thought moving across the country to live in a state with my new husband was hard. It was bold, for sure. But it wasn't that hard. It wasn't easy, but it really was a breeze compared to last year.

I also thought moving from the place that I had had my two boys, was thriving in a church that both my husband and I adored, where my best friend lives, where so many amazing memories were made--I thought that was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Turns out, that paled in comparison to 2015.

2015 turned me upside down and inside out and backward and forward and really, every which way. And now that it's over, I am left with the questions, "Did I handle it with grace and dignity? Did I embrace it with exuberance and ardor? Was I an example of Christ despite the overwhelming emotions that plagued me day after day?"

Sadly, I don't feel as though I passed that test. Most of the year I found myself dealing with anxiety, anger, confusion, and blurriness. I lashed out at my husband and my kids because I was dealing with feelings that I have not had to face in a very long time. And I had questions racing through my brain that I couldn't answer.

You see, at the beginning of the year, my husband took a job. This new job moved us to a different state. A state that I was very familiar with. The state that I vowed to never move my kids to. And let me tell you something. I didn't just make up this vow when I had kids...I vowed to myself LONG before I had a family of my own that I would NEVER move my children to the place that I grew up. But, that's exactly what happened.

2015 was my hardest year because I had to make a choice. I had to choose to move with my husband (yes, I struggled hard with this..judge me if you want) or stay where I have called home for the past 10 years.

I chose to move.

Honestly, the move was pretty easy. And I arrived in the town I grew up in with hopeful expectation that it was going to be a great year. I mean, how could it not be? I got to finally be with my older sister who was my best friend growing up! For that, I am so thankful that I made the decision to move, but that is also why it's been the most emotional year I've ever had. I haven't lived near my sister in 10+ years. I didn't know what to expect, but things sure did change. We both had kids now. We weren't teenagers anymore. We've both been through things the other didn't even know about. We both have missed so much of each other's lives it hurts just thinking about it. When we were little, we would tell each other everything. We had a bond between us that was so thick nobody could break it. And when I first arrived, I thought that bond was weak. And maybe it was a little. But a year has proved that really, that hasn't changed. It didn't take us long to pick up where we left off. It was obviously in a different, more adult way now. But she is still the same older sister I grew up with.

It wasn't just the emotional roller coaster of living near my sister again though that caused 2015 to be crazy. I found myself facing demons that I had left behind over 10 years ago and quite frankly, did not think I would ever have to face again. And they would pop up at random times and catch me off guard and kick me in the gut that sometimes I would feel breathless. The first time I drove by the place that I literally had to shove a guy off of me in order to not be raped, I almost had to pull over. When I got home, I cried and I let myself feel everything. The anger, the shame, the guilt...everything.

One day, I drove down the street I grew up on. I drove past the house that literally shaped my childhood. The same house that my dad passed away in. I choked up as memories were brought to the front of my mind. Only this time, I didn't push them away. I felt them hard. Resentment. I think that's a good word for what I felt the most in regards to my dad. I resented him for not giving me closure before he died. I resented him for the things he said and did when I was a teenager. I resented him for so many things, too many things. I realized I was still holding on to those feelings and then, I was angry with myself because I thought I had moved past that. Apparently not.

These are only a couple examples of the gut-wrenching emotions that overcame me. There were countless number of times that I would fill up with tear-jerking memories. They are around every corner of this town. And a lot of the time, I silently dealt with these things. I realize now that maybe I didn't have to. Maybe if I hadn't felt the need to deal with everything myself, this year would have gone differently for me. Truth is, I was too prideful to confide in my husband. I didn't want to burden anyone, especially him, who has been trying to secure our family's future by taking job after job, and moving our family here and there. I didn't want him to feel guilty for moving us here (although I treated him that way at times).

I know that moving here was the best thing. Being with my husband was the right thing, not just for the kids, but for us. However, more than anything, it was the best thing for me. By allowing myself to feel everything, I have allowed healing to begin. After years and years of shoving everything deeper and deeper, I am finally feeling free. Free of guilt, shame, regret, remorse...

Is 2016 going to be easier? I get the feeling it isn't. I mean, for starters, we're moving back which means I have to once again say good bye to my sister and my grandma and my nephews that I have come to know in such a meaningful way. I will be starting this year on another emotional roller coaster. A sad one. But also a happy one. And I get to take these new memories with me and hopefully allow the good ones to keep me moving forward.

And maybe this year, instead of storing my feelings and thoughts to myself, I will rely on God, my husband, my family, and those close to me to help me through. And maybe I will pass 2016 with flying colors.

Happy New Year, everyone.