Mom's, this one's for you today. For encouragement and for sanity in a chaotic world with crazy kids.
I have had one heck of a week. I feel drained. I feel tired. But after this morning, I feel better. Wanna know why? Let me explain.
We live in a world that is dominated by positive Facebook posts where only happy things are told to create a snapshot picture of a perfect life and where Pinterest is showing us how we can create that picture perfect life by solving any problem we can think of--from disciplining, to hands on crafts for the kids, to perfect healthy meals that can be on your table every night with little effort and little time. We are constantly bombarded with solutions. If our kids are driving us crazy we are told to cut out the technology, stop feeding them food with red dye in it, just say NO. If we are tired and overwhelmed, we are told to take a "time-out" and refuel ourselves with a cup of caffeine or we just need an hour by ourselves to go shopping without being bothered. We are told we need to find a routine that works for everyone and if we can only get the stars to align then everything will fall into place. Moms, we have heard it all. And I thought I had heard it all too. Until this morning.
Like I said, it had been a long week. I was feeling it. The kids were stressing me out and my husband took no full days off. I needed a break. I woke up early to collect my thoughts, have a cup of tea without being disturbed and to write about my frustrations with the week. However, that plan wasn't meant to be. As soon as I sat down in my rocking chair with a cozy blanket, the space heater facing toward me and a pen and paper, I heard little feet coming across the room. My two year old was up and ready for the day. And right behind him, my four year old already asking for a bowl of cereal. My perfect plan for being by myself disintegrated right before my eyes and I got up to take care of them fighting off the onset of tears. Seriously, was it too much to ask for just half an hour alone?! I pushed aside the urge to wake up my husband and fell into the morning routine. Luckily it wasn't long before he did wake up, so I took the opportunity to jump in the shower before he left to work on his one day off.
I felt defeated as I let the hot water run over me. I was mentally and physically exhausted and drained of energy. I wanted to cry. I felt it in my throat, my eyes were misty but I couldn't. There were voices in the back of my mind telling me I was fine. Don't lose it now; you've made it all week long so what's one more day? YOU.CAN'T.CRY.NOW.
I thought back, why? Why can't I cry now? Why can't I lose it? I am drowning here!
Because moms don't cry unless we're watching a sappy show or crying for one of our children because they hurt. We fix things. We kiss boo-boos and find long lost toys. We keep the house in order and our husbands happy. We post positive posts on Facebook hiding our frustration with life. We pin our recipes, ideas, and solutions to mask the out-of-control feelings we don't allow ourselves to feel. We push our feelings aside telling ourselves that we just need another hot, steaming cup of caffeine. We tell ourselves that we will pin better ideas, and find even better solutions. And then, everything will be fine.
I stood there in the shower, water pouring over me. And then it happened. A tear. It slipped. I didn't mean for it to, I was trying so hard to be strong. But, it did. And then another one. And another. I started sobbing. I couldn't stop. I was alone, naked and vulnerable and I let myself feel everything.
I cried about how much I missed my friends and my former MOPS group; I cried about being left at home again while my husband took his one day off to work. I cried about the house being in a constant state of chaos, about my lack of sleep, about not being able to sit and write in peace that morning. I cried about the uncertainty of my husband's job and even cried because I was crying. I was a wreck. And it felt good.
After I finally composed myself long enough to finish showering and dry off, I realized two things:
Moms are not encouraged to cry and we are certainly not encouraged to lose it.
Why not??! Why are we encouraged to chug another cup of coffee, spend money by ourselves, find the perfect star alignment, but we are not encouraged to let go?
Nobody told me it was okay to run away and sob until there's nothing left in me. But I did. Without consciously knowing that this was what I needed, I let myself go. And moms, this might be exactly what you need. We carry so much; we carry the weight of the world on our shoulders and that load is heavy! We need to lighten it; not mask it. We need to realize that it is okay to feel defeated and it is okay to retreat and surrender those feelings. I came out of that shower renewed and feeling lighter than I had in weeks.
I'm certainly not saying to always forego your cup of energy or not post positive things on social media. I'm not even saying to not pin your picture perfect life on your boards. Heck, sometimes those things help keep me sane!
All I'm saying is that if you're carrying a heavy load and if you feel like you're going to just lose it, it's okay if you do.
And it's certainly okay to just cry.
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